STOP ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS
I am 31 years old and in the best relationship I ever had with the most precious soul. Often I get asked by friends, people I meet newly, relatives or friends of friends about my private life which is normal. I get asked the most intimate questions - very straight forward - from people I don’t even know sometimes. I get asked about when I am gonna have kids or if we plan kids yet, or what we are waiting for, if we are getting married anytime soon (this question I get more before „do you guys live together yet?“) well, these questions which are probably meant well (or being noisy - you decide), are outdated. I will tell you why ( this will sounds a bit salty but well it is. We just hold the flag up for a little bit more sensitive asking - and more over - reacting.
If you get asked these intimate questions you not only be put on the spot, but depending on who’s asking and in what kind of company, you have to defend your choice sometimes. And this sucks big time.
They push their (!!!) expectations and they project social standards on you which is not necessary. They make you feel you are only whole or have a good relationship if you are married or you want or plan kids. Funny sometimes that we are still hung up on those two parameters that apparently define happiness. Or so it seems. To be honest with you, I am undecided about both. One day I feel like I want both. On other days I feel like it would be nice to have both. Again, on other days, I am not sure I want either.
How often do we overhear something like this? She has to get pregnant soon, otherwise it’s too late. Why are they not having kids? They have been together forever? Why are they not getting married? They have been dating for years? She should hurry when she wants kids, she is over 35 already. Well, it’s none of your business. Well, opinions (and lifestyles) can change. Newsflash, it happens. Wanna make me feel bad about it? Smh.
If a woman (or yes, couple) wants kids or not, it’s - surprise - her decision.
Sometimes it’s not so much the question but what comes after that. If you reach a certain age, you receive certain comments and questions. Not only when you are in a relationship. When it comes to dating or being single at a certain age it’s the same. Don’t assume that if we are over 30 that we are desperately looking for a sperm donor when dating. No, you have no idea. Other women are happy being single, happy without kids, happy in an open relationship and so on.
What we think they should do or what we expect them to do, is more a projection of our perfect view of the world. Or their way. If it doesn’t match our views, wishes and expectations, it’s considered to be weird or people are wondering or trying to convince you of their opinion.
These questions can be not only annoying or hurtful. They put an expectations on you, that maybe you cannot or don’t want to live up to and guess what, it still leaves a bad taste in your mouth. All of this is extremely personal, on top of that all the pressure we face, sucks big time. Also you don’t know their struggle. Maybe they have been trying for years and you ask them when are you getting finally pregnant?“ maybe she can’t have kids, maybe they simply don’t want kids, maybe she fell in love with a guy who‘s had a vasectomy, maybe she had her ovaries removed - it can be a million reasons.
Let a woman breath. Geez.
Also, the reactions to the questions is judgmental. Not your call to decide how long maternity leave is best for, not your call to express an opinion about a situation you have never faced. Not your call to tell a couple who are parents but not married to tell them it’s better to be. Don’t judge a woman if she only wants one kid. Don’t judge a woman of she wants none. Don’t judge a woman when she wants to be an young mom, don’t judge a guy who gets to be a father after 45. Whatever the couple is up to is between them - if they are happy with whatever choice they are making, accept it. Be open about other people’s businesses and decisions. Don’t give your opinion because sometimes your opinion is not needed to be expressed.