ORGASM VS SEX

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Unpopular opinion ahead: You don’t have to have an orgasm to have good or satisfying sex. Not climaxing every single time does not mean you are bad at sex. It’s not tragic and it does not define or make your relationship bad.

Yes, this might be unpopular. Why? A lot of people say (basically) „if I don’t climax, I don’t want it“. I am thinking to myself: Really? That’s all you care about? You downgrade it to this? Otherwise it is not good for you? At least that’s my feeling I want to talk about today because for a long time I only thought this is what it means to be good at sex or doing it well or impressing a partner. Have you ever found yourself thinking just that? Because the expectations that come along with it are sometimes exhausting?

You don’t have to have an orgasm every time to have good sex. Sex does not equal an orgasm. If you realize that maybe it even takes the pressure off and you are able to can enjoy it so much more.

Sex is so much more. It’s pure intimacy, lust, you feel so close, you get touched, you get caressed or spanked and you feel someone, it’s eye contact. You don’t have to try out two crazy new positions every week to feel worthy - unless you want to obviously. Maybe you and your partner are just comfortable with the good old missionary position? Then also good for you.

Maybe it’s just that you enjoy the intimacy, the kissing, the smelling, the sweating, the touching and the looking at each other and so much more. Being in the moment and not thinking about anything else? The orgasm is the goal but it also isn’t. If you only look at the finish line you might miss out on all the things that happen along the way - that are equally beautiful.

I feel like this is a topic we either hardly every talk about or make a big deal out of it on the other hand if he/she/they didn’t come and we obsess about it and we have doubts and we ask if it’s because of us and so on. But why? What do we have to proof. Don’t get me wrong. Orgasms are fucking fabulous. Able to get multiple ones? Amazing, congrats, keep going! But it’s more than okay if you don’t want to put pressure on yourself or your partner.

There might be people disagreeing obviously but sex and an orgasm are different from each other or you put them in two buckets and that is fine. If you don’t want to put them into two buckets and for you it’s a must, also fine. I just want to take the pressure off anyone who thinks it defines bad sex or a bad relationship. 

For many it’s not and if you have a relationship that only has okay sex for years and you are unhappy it’s also not good - I am talking about that not every time is or feels the time.

Pressure from movies:
This sounds silly. Yes, this is maybe naive but when we see sex scenes we picture this oh so perfect movie sex. Whether it’s porn or a rom com - it’s probably won’t look like this - and it’s okay. It’s not perfect and it’s okay. We have a certain expectation which is normal. But also if it isn’t it every time like that, give yourself a break.

Pressure from friends
It’s easy to get caught up when friends tell you about their sex life. And you think to yourself, but I don’t have that? I don’t do this? And suddenly feel insecure about it. There is no perfect sex live. There is only perfect for you (and your partner). Sharing is great and being open about things a lot of people are not ready to is even better, but it’s also important to listen and to be accepting and understanding - and also don’t get influenced and on the other hand, don’t fucking judge.

Pressure from a partner
Even without speaking about it, it probably crosses everyone’s mind: Shit, he/she/they didn’t come. Fuck, was it me? Or worse: Probably because of me. It’s also okay if one person is more on the receiving end - and next time it’s vice versa. The key is as always communication - keep that going. In my case it was my partner who kind of educated me in this field and it made me feel so much better about myself.

Sex can be overwhelming and it should be first and foremost enjoyed and be fun. You should be able to let loose, you should fully indulge and if you have an orgasm on top, wonderful. What I am trying to say is, sex can be good and still be wonderful - even if you don’t climax. Sex is what you make it to be. The only thing that really you should give a shit is that it is consensual.

 
 

by Teresa